Last week was my mom's birthday. It was also the first time I took her on an outing from the nursing home. I often feel guilty that I don't do more, that I have her there and not at home. When I was a teenager and as I grew into adulthood, my mom and I would have conversations and my mom always said how she did not want to ever go into a nursing home. I remember this because it was a frequent conversation. It just makes me feel bad. I also remember discussing how Alzheimer's would be the worst possible disease ever and guess what? Bam! Here we are!
I miss my mom. Yes, she is nearby and I can physically go see her but it's not the same. I feel like this disease happened way too fast. Some people like to blame John for the initial decline and this really bothers me. I agree that he was not patient with her and was not very understanding in many ways. I did get upset that he didn't even try but for some reason it really bothers me when people try to place blame. She was upset with me for moving things around even before John began spending time at the house and I really can't stand when other people try to place blame or say things like, "She knew something wasn't right with him." Anyway, I think I got a little sidetracked. The point is that I miss the craziness and the laughter that we used to share. Thankfully, she still knows me and knows that I am her daughter but I can see that changing some day. It all just makes me sad. My mom was my best friend and the one that I used to talk things out with. The other person that I always had was my sister. My sister passed away 6 years ago and my mom is not able to have a "normal" conversation. She forgets things so quickly that I actually have difficulty interacting with her. It all makes me feel very lonely at times. I know that I have a great network of people in my life but everyone has their life to live and I get it. It's just that my mom was the one that was always there for me. Sometimes I feel like I have not done enough for her and I have not been patient enough with her. I will keep working on this.
For her birthday we went to Applebee's for dinner. My friend Kim, her husband John, and her son Ben joined us. My friend Don also came and we celebrated his birthday as well. She had a great time and Don sat next to her and kept her very entertained. I was glad that she was happy, even if she kept forgetting that it was her birthday! Kim brought her balloons and flowers and picked up some flowers for me to give her as well. When I brought her back to the nursing home, I came back with a bunch of stuff. The flowers decorated her room nicely. :) Now, if my mom could only stop packing up her things and stop denying that it was her room, it would be even better. When I dropped her off, she was a little confused and wondered why I was "leaving her there." Even after I showed her her photo at the door, she didn't think that it was her room and I think she expected me to take her "home."
Anyway, it's all very sad but I will keep working on trying to enjoy the time that we have together. I know that there are people who would give anything to have another day with their parent. I just miss my one parent being the way she once was. I love my mom with all my heart and hate to see her going through this. I'm getting tired now so I will say Good Night.
Saturday, April 12, 2014
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
Happy New Year!
Well - Here we are a week into the new year and I've decided once again to try to return to blogging. To say my life has been busy would be a bit of an understatement. It has certainly been cold outside. Today was frigid!
My mom's memory continues to decline and I continue to work on my patience and understanding. I'm not very good at it and I often feel guilty for this. I have been fostering a 10-year old girl since October and this helps me at least to be more consistent with meals and cooking rather than microwave meals every night. I do still do microwave meals on occasion. Sometimes convenience outweighs great nutrition. Sad but true! I'm definitely tired most nights and tonight is no exception. I just figured I would make a quick post to keep myself going. I'm also procrastinating typing up notes for work. I'm going to be sorry in the morning!
We've been looking into various options for care of my mom. Without getting into much detail right now, I'll just mention one program through the Eddy. We are in the process of hearing about their program. So far, it's not sounding like it's going to work out for us. I thought it would be helpful initially and alleviate some stress but they want to label her as a "Do not leave alone" meaning that when she is not at the day program that they would provide, we would have to be responsible to have someone here for her 24/7. She is home alone for periods of time now and watches T.V. and does stuff around the house. While I agree she needs more socialization, I don't agree that 24 hour supervision is necessary quite yet. It would be nice but financially and physically it's just too much. We have had the director of the program and an OT out here so far. Tomorrow we have an appointment with the RN. The team then meets and discusses what they are willing to offer us and we decide if we want to accept or decline the program. As much as I hate to say or do it, I believe a nursing home would be the most viable option. It would provide her with safety and socialization and I actually think it would improve my level of patience with her. I really miss my mom. :(
My mom's memory continues to decline and I continue to work on my patience and understanding. I'm not very good at it and I often feel guilty for this. I have been fostering a 10-year old girl since October and this helps me at least to be more consistent with meals and cooking rather than microwave meals every night. I do still do microwave meals on occasion. Sometimes convenience outweighs great nutrition. Sad but true! I'm definitely tired most nights and tonight is no exception. I just figured I would make a quick post to keep myself going. I'm also procrastinating typing up notes for work. I'm going to be sorry in the morning!
We've been looking into various options for care of my mom. Without getting into much detail right now, I'll just mention one program through the Eddy. We are in the process of hearing about their program. So far, it's not sounding like it's going to work out for us. I thought it would be helpful initially and alleviate some stress but they want to label her as a "Do not leave alone" meaning that when she is not at the day program that they would provide, we would have to be responsible to have someone here for her 24/7. She is home alone for periods of time now and watches T.V. and does stuff around the house. While I agree she needs more socialization, I don't agree that 24 hour supervision is necessary quite yet. It would be nice but financially and physically it's just too much. We have had the director of the program and an OT out here so far. Tomorrow we have an appointment with the RN. The team then meets and discusses what they are willing to offer us and we decide if we want to accept or decline the program. As much as I hate to say or do it, I believe a nursing home would be the most viable option. It would provide her with safety and socialization and I actually think it would improve my level of patience with her. I really miss my mom. :(
Another Day
Previously written but not posted (September 2013)
Well, I just took a quick peek at my past entries for this blog and I realized that I have been using this blog mostly as a tool to vent, which is not entirely what I intended it to be. Sure, it can be a tool for that but I wanted it to be stories about my mom and the wonderful and amazing mom she has been to me.
Unfortunately, living with a parent as an adult is not an ideal situation and it causes a great deal of stress. I try to do things to be more appreciative and to be more patient but it doesn't always work. I wish I was able to let the stupid stuff go. In the scheme of things it doesn't matter that my cabinets are all discombobulated (is that a word?), or that I need to rewash the dishes, or that she rips napkins into squares because she doesn't want to "waste." Yet, it's always ridiculously hot in my house because the heat gets turned on unnecessarily. OK. So enough of that! Let's look on the bright side.
My niece Jamie has started to come to the house 3 days a week for 3 hours a day. She takes my mom on outings and my mom gets to spend time with the kids. This really seems to lift my mom's spirits and I'm sure it makes Jamie feel good too because she makes her grandma happy. My mom is able to remember certain things. Nothing major but she actually remembers that someone was here to visit. She doesn't always remember that my brother was here even though he comes at lunch time most days but she remembers that the kids came. My mom did always love spending time with kids. She has less stamina now than she used to but she still enjoys them.
Before I add some happy memory below, I'll talk a little about some other positives with my mom. I have been having her cut out masks for me for my Maddie's Mark fundraiser.
Well, I just took a quick peek at my past entries for this blog and I realized that I have been using this blog mostly as a tool to vent, which is not entirely what I intended it to be. Sure, it can be a tool for that but I wanted it to be stories about my mom and the wonderful and amazing mom she has been to me.
Unfortunately, living with a parent as an adult is not an ideal situation and it causes a great deal of stress. I try to do things to be more appreciative and to be more patient but it doesn't always work. I wish I was able to let the stupid stuff go. In the scheme of things it doesn't matter that my cabinets are all discombobulated (is that a word?), or that I need to rewash the dishes, or that she rips napkins into squares because she doesn't want to "waste." Yet, it's always ridiculously hot in my house because the heat gets turned on unnecessarily. OK. So enough of that! Let's look on the bright side.
My niece Jamie has started to come to the house 3 days a week for 3 hours a day. She takes my mom on outings and my mom gets to spend time with the kids. This really seems to lift my mom's spirits and I'm sure it makes Jamie feel good too because she makes her grandma happy. My mom is able to remember certain things. Nothing major but she actually remembers that someone was here to visit. She doesn't always remember that my brother was here even though he comes at lunch time most days but she remembers that the kids came. My mom did always love spending time with kids. She has less stamina now than she used to but she still enjoys them.
Before I add some happy memory below, I'll talk a little about some other positives with my mom. I have been having her cut out masks for me for my Maddie's Mark fundraiser.
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