Last week was my mom's birthday. It was also the first time I took her on an outing from the nursing home. I often feel guilty that I don't do more, that I have her there and not at home. When I was a teenager and as I grew into adulthood, my mom and I would have conversations and my mom always said how she did not want to ever go into a nursing home. I remember this because it was a frequent conversation. It just makes me feel bad. I also remember discussing how Alzheimer's would be the worst possible disease ever and guess what? Bam! Here we are!
I miss my mom. Yes, she is nearby and I can physically go see her but it's not the same. I feel like this disease happened way too fast. Some people like to blame John for the initial decline and this really bothers me. I agree that he was not patient with her and was not very understanding in many ways. I did get upset that he didn't even try but for some reason it really bothers me when people try to place blame. She was upset with me for moving things around even before John began spending time at the house and I really can't stand when other people try to place blame or say things like, "She knew something wasn't right with him." Anyway, I think I got a little sidetracked. The point is that I miss the craziness and the laughter that we used to share. Thankfully, she still knows me and knows that I am her daughter but I can see that changing some day. It all just makes me sad. My mom was my best friend and the one that I used to talk things out with. The other person that I always had was my sister. My sister passed away 6 years ago and my mom is not able to have a "normal" conversation. She forgets things so quickly that I actually have difficulty interacting with her. It all makes me feel very lonely at times. I know that I have a great network of people in my life but everyone has their life to live and I get it. It's just that my mom was the one that was always there for me. Sometimes I feel like I have not done enough for her and I have not been patient enough with her. I will keep working on this.
For her birthday we went to Applebee's for dinner. My friend Kim, her husband John, and her son Ben joined us. My friend Don also came and we celebrated his birthday as well. She had a great time and Don sat next to her and kept her very entertained. I was glad that she was happy, even if she kept forgetting that it was her birthday! Kim brought her balloons and flowers and picked up some flowers for me to give her as well. When I brought her back to the nursing home, I came back with a bunch of stuff. The flowers decorated her room nicely. :) Now, if my mom could only stop packing up her things and stop denying that it was her room, it would be even better. When I dropped her off, she was a little confused and wondered why I was "leaving her there." Even after I showed her her photo at the door, she didn't think that it was her room and I think she expected me to take her "home."
Anyway, it's all very sad but I will keep working on trying to enjoy the time that we have together. I know that there are people who would give anything to have another day with their parent. I just miss my one parent being the way she once was. I love my mom with all my heart and hate to see her going through this. I'm getting tired now so I will say Good Night.
No comments:
Post a Comment