Day by day

I figured I would write a quick post tonight since I haven't written in a while.  I write little snippets in my head at times and "think" about what I am gonna write, but it doesn't always make it here so I figured a little bit is better than nothing. And truthfully, my little bit often ends up being a lot, although I often ramble (as I'm doing now!).

Things have been going fairly well at home lately and I've been trying to have more patience.  The biggest annoyance is the T.V.  My brother purchased the absolute simplest remote that you can imagine and my mom still messes it up!  I know she can't help it but this is where my patience is tested almost on a daily basis.  There are other things that I get annoyed with and make occasional comments, which are truthfully not helpful but I sometimes can't help myself.  These "unhelpful" and "unproductive" comments just fly out of my mouth at times and then I feel bad about it.

Last week I treated my mom to ice cream at Stewarts.  It was a nice evening and I figured a walk would be good and I really think she enjoyed it. I would ask her but sadly she will not remember.  Along our short walk, I pointed to the first apartment I lived in when I moved out.  I reminded my mom how angry she was that I moved out and she seemed shocked by this little tidbit.  This is something we often used to joke about and this night she didn't even remember.  She didn't remember that after she was finally "okay" with me moving out and living literally down the street that she would come and take my dirty laundry, bring it to her house, wash it, fold it and then return it back to me.  Couldn't ask for better service than that, huh?  As I was telling her this, it was as if I was talking about someone else and not her.  I don't know at this point if it is sad or frustrating for my mom to not remember but it makes me kinda sad at times.  I do try to enjoy times like that but I can't help but "miss" the mom that I once had.  We were able to joke with each other and find humor even in our disagreements.  Like the time that we were cleaning out the pantry in order to expand the kitchen.  I tried to "secretly" throw away old candles.  My mom found out and she litterally jumped on me to get the candles out of the garbage.  It was completely ridiculous and insane but we laughed about it hysterically afterwards.

She thankfully knows who I am and who her family members are but just last week she asked me what my brother's wife's name was.  Maybe because she doesn't see her on a daily basis like my brother and I but it's a little sad.  I'm not sure that she even knows about her new great grandson.  I wish that my niece would bring him over to see my mom.  As much as my mom has always had some quirks and even though she does not remember everything right now, she knows who she is and who her family is.  She loves children and would love to meet him.  She has always been very good to her grandchildren with her time and her love.

I know that I am short with her at times but I continue to work on it day by day and I think I'm getting better.  Some days are better than others.  But the visits from family and friends really are valuable, especially now.  It is good to keep her mind occupied.  I am so thankful for the family members that take the time to come and see her.  I do appreciate that my brother comes each day during lunch and that her friend Darlene comes and visits from Glens Falls.  There are a multitude of people that come and see her and for that I am grateful.  There are also those that she doesn't see often.  Some of these people I understand have difficulty for one reason or another and I really do understand but there are also times that I think about how much my mom has done for others over the years and I am sad that she does not have someone here for her.  I don't know if I'm wrong or if I'm right but I guess I should just be thankful for those who are there both old and new. :)

P.S. It's late and I'm a little tired so some of the above may or may not make sense but I wanted to at least post something.  Sorry if it's a bit disjointed.

Feeling a bit sad today. :(

For some reason today I feel sad.  I haven't blogged in a while in either of my blogs so I thought I should do so today.  At first, let me mention the tragedy that occurred in Boston today although this is not necessarilly related to my mom it too makes me sad.  So many runners have looked forward to this day, some of them qualifying for Boston for the first time and looking forward to the thrill of crossing the finish line, only to be met with fear and tragedy or being redirected away from that ultimate goal.  While we do not know the ultimate cause of this "bomb" it would be a strange coincidence that this was an "accident."  The natural conclusion is that it was an act of terror.  Why is it that some people would rather bring misery and heartache into this world instead of joy and happiness?  We have enough things in the world to cause heartache and unhappiness, why do people need to cause it unneccessarily?

In times like these and every day I try to think about the positive things in my life but I know that I often fall short of being the person that I should be.  I do continue to work at it each day, especially where my mom is concerned.  I think I feel sad because I see her decline and I don't always like my reaction to it. I get so frustrated by things that she does but I know deep down that she must be frustrated as well.  When I get irritated by seemingly meaningless things like the dishes not being 100% clean (I can just rewash them myself), or finding an item in the refrigerator without a lid or plastic wrap on it, or having trouble finding a dish or glass I want to use, I think about the people going through a real tragedy like in Boston today and I think about my friends that have lost children that would give anything to have a dirty sock on the floor or a dirty dish in the sink.  I know this and I see this but I sometimes get overwhelmed and when I get home, I don't always have patience and I don't act the way that I wish I would.

The truth is that I miss my mom.  Yes, she's still my mom but things are so different than they used to be.  This memory loss thing is difficult.  I want to be able to have the conversations I used to have with her. I want my mom. I don't want to be the  mom. I wasn't ready to be the caretaker so soon.  I guess it caught me off guard to be taking care of my mom so soon.  I think about conversations we used to have when I was younger and how she never wanted to go into a nursing home.  It's why I moved in here initially but I never realized the impact it would have on my life.  She's my mom and I would do anything for her but I don't feel like I am providing her with the best environment.  I feel like she would be happier around other people and I would be able to provide a better emotional environment for her if we were not together every day.

I guess I just need to plug forward on everything I'm working on so that I can be in a better place to take care of her and do the things I want to do. On top of everything, work has been very stressful so that is probably contributing to my mood.  Goal for the week: At least one hour of the week dedicated to doing something with my mom and really trying to communicate with her.  I know one hour doesn't seem like a lot but I want to start out small so that I can actually achieve my goal and not feel bad.  Thanks for reading and hopefully I will have a good report by the end of the week.