For some reason today I feel sad. I haven't blogged in a while in either of my blogs so I thought I should do so today. At first, let me mention the tragedy that occurred in Boston today although this is not necessarilly related to my mom it too makes me sad. So many runners have looked forward to this day, some of them qualifying for Boston for the first time and looking forward to the thrill of crossing the finish line, only to be met with fear and tragedy or being redirected away from that ultimate goal. While we do not know the ultimate cause of this "bomb" it would be a strange coincidence that this was an "accident." The natural conclusion is that it was an act of terror. Why is it that some people would rather bring misery and heartache into this world instead of joy and happiness? We have enough things in the world to cause heartache and unhappiness, why do people need to cause it unneccessarily?
In times like these and every day I try to think about the positive things in my life but I know that I often fall short of being the person that I should be. I do continue to work at it each day, especially where my mom is concerned. I think I feel sad because I see her decline and I don't always like my reaction to it. I get so frustrated by things that she does but I know deep down that she must be frustrated as well. When I get irritated by seemingly meaningless things like the dishes not being 100% clean (I can just rewash them myself), or finding an item in the refrigerator without a lid or plastic wrap on it, or having trouble finding a dish or glass I want to use, I think about the people going through a real tragedy like in Boston today and I think about my friends that have lost children that would give anything to have a dirty sock on the floor or a dirty dish in the sink. I know this and I see this but I sometimes get overwhelmed and when I get home, I don't always have patience and I don't act the way that I wish I would.
The truth is that I miss my mom. Yes, she's still my mom but things are so different than they used to be. This memory loss thing is difficult. I want to be able to have the conversations I used to have with her. I want my mom. I don't want to be the mom. I wasn't ready to be the caretaker so soon. I guess it caught me off guard to be taking care of my mom so soon. I think about conversations we used to have when I was younger and how she never wanted to go into a nursing home. It's why I moved in here initially but I never realized the impact it would have on my life. She's my mom and I would do anything for her but I don't feel like I am providing her with the best environment. I feel like she would be happier around other people and I would be able to provide a better emotional environment for her if we were not together every day.
I guess I just need to plug forward on everything I'm working on so that I can be in a better place to take care of her and do the things I want to do. On top of everything, work has been very stressful so that is probably contributing to my mood. Goal for the week: At least one hour of the week dedicated to doing something with my mom and really trying to communicate with her. I know one hour doesn't seem like a lot but I want to start out small so that I can actually achieve my goal and not feel bad. Thanks for reading and hopefully I will have a good report by the end of the week.
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