I've been feeling a bit guilty because I don't really "do" anything with my mom. Sure, it would be easy for me to just take her along when I go to the store or just out for a quick bite to eat but sometimes I just need to escape! Is it awful that spending a day with my mom is entirely stressful for me? I feel like I have a child and I know that she can't help some of the things but some of the things she does are things that she has done for many years.
I just miss that independent woman that used to be my mom. The one that was appreciative for things and the one who was my friend. Now she just looks at me with contempt and disdain. She tells all of her friends and my family how horrible I am! It doesn't matter that I pay all the bills and set out breakfast for her every day. It may not seem like I really "do" a lot and most of the time I don't feel like I do enough but the fact is that I'm the one who is here and who has always been here. My brother does come during the week and gives her lunch and her medication. I am the one that is here nights and weekends and has to hear her get up several times per night to go to the bathroom and "fix" the TV so that she can watch it and help her "find" things that she has lost. I make it sound worse than it is I guess but the bottom line is that I often do not feel comfortable in my own home. At times when she is bored, she will sit in the chair across the room from me and just stare at me, at the outside, or just at nothing. Just experiment with someone that you live with. Either sit and stare at that person or have them stare at you and see how uncomfortable it really is! Sometimes I think I'm gonna crack!
Today I took my mom for the day. We started out at breakfast, which was fine. After breakfast we went to my nieces mother-in-laws house to drop off some decorations for tomorrow's party. That was all fine. We then went to some garage sales which were still pretty much fine. Next, we went to a fundraiser which was a bbq and she seemed to enjoy the food there. The final stop was Wal-Mart and I think I had just about had enough. She was right up my butt throughout the market and I kept almost bumping into her! I know at times that she was trying to help but she was right on top of me! If she wasn't on top of me, she was trailing a mile behind going in or coming out of the store and back to the car. I had to "prompt" her to let her know she could get out of the car!
I know I sound like a bratty impatient person and I probably am. I wish that I had more patience with her and I keep working on it but sometimes it's too much. I wish that I was the one who was "visiting" because it wouldn't seem like a burden and I could practice more patience. I just need one place where I can actually relax. I know that there are people who would give anything to have their parent there and I should be thankful. I just miss the relationship that I used to have with my mom. I just needed to whine a bit. I'm sure tomorrow will be better! We will be having a birthday party for the kids and there will be lots of people around.
Saturday, May 18, 2013
Friday, April 26, 2013
Day by day
I figured I would write a quick post tonight since I haven't written in a while. I write little snippets in my head at times and "think" about what I am gonna write, but it doesn't always make it here so I figured a little bit is better than nothing. And truthfully, my little bit often ends up being a lot, although I often ramble (as I'm doing now!).
Things have been going fairly well at home lately and I've been trying to have more patience. The biggest annoyance is the T.V. My brother purchased the absolute simplest remote that you can imagine and my mom still messes it up! I know she can't help it but this is where my patience is tested almost on a daily basis. There are other things that I get annoyed with and make occasional comments, which are truthfully not helpful but I sometimes can't help myself. These "unhelpful" and "unproductive" comments just fly out of my mouth at times and then I feel bad about it.
Last week I treated my mom to ice cream at Stewarts. It was a nice evening and I figured a walk would be good and I really think she enjoyed it. I would ask her but sadly she will not remember. Along our short walk, I pointed to the first apartment I lived in when I moved out. I reminded my mom how angry she was that I moved out and she seemed shocked by this little tidbit. This is something we often used to joke about and this night she didn't even remember. She didn't remember that after she was finally "okay" with me moving out and living literally down the street that she would come and take my dirty laundry, bring it to her house, wash it, fold it and then return it back to me. Couldn't ask for better service than that, huh? As I was telling her this, it was as if I was talking about someone else and not her. I don't know at this point if it is sad or frustrating for my mom to not remember but it makes me kinda sad at times. I do try to enjoy times like that but I can't help but "miss" the mom that I once had. We were able to joke with each other and find humor even in our disagreements. Like the time that we were cleaning out the pantry in order to expand the kitchen. I tried to "secretly" throw away old candles. My mom found out and she litterally jumped on me to get the candles out of the garbage. It was completely ridiculous and insane but we laughed about it hysterically afterwards.
She thankfully knows who I am and who her family members are but just last week she asked me what my brother's wife's name was. Maybe because she doesn't see her on a daily basis like my brother and I but it's a little sad. I'm not sure that she even knows about her new great grandson. I wish that my niece would bring him over to see my mom. As much as my mom has always had some quirks and even though she does not remember everything right now, she knows who she is and who her family is. She loves children and would love to meet him. She has always been very good to her grandchildren with her time and her love.
I know that I am short with her at times but I continue to work on it day by day and I think I'm getting better. Some days are better than others. But the visits from family and friends really are valuable, especially now. It is good to keep her mind occupied. I am so thankful for the family members that take the time to come and see her. I do appreciate that my brother comes each day during lunch and that her friend Darlene comes and visits from Glens Falls. There are a multitude of people that come and see her and for that I am grateful. There are also those that she doesn't see often. Some of these people I understand have difficulty for one reason or another and I really do understand but there are also times that I think about how much my mom has done for others over the years and I am sad that she does not have someone here for her. I don't know if I'm wrong or if I'm right but I guess I should just be thankful for those who are there both old and new. :)
P.S. It's late and I'm a little tired so some of the above may or may not make sense but I wanted to at least post something. Sorry if it's a bit disjointed.
Things have been going fairly well at home lately and I've been trying to have more patience. The biggest annoyance is the T.V. My brother purchased the absolute simplest remote that you can imagine and my mom still messes it up! I know she can't help it but this is where my patience is tested almost on a daily basis. There are other things that I get annoyed with and make occasional comments, which are truthfully not helpful but I sometimes can't help myself. These "unhelpful" and "unproductive" comments just fly out of my mouth at times and then I feel bad about it.
Last week I treated my mom to ice cream at Stewarts. It was a nice evening and I figured a walk would be good and I really think she enjoyed it. I would ask her but sadly she will not remember. Along our short walk, I pointed to the first apartment I lived in when I moved out. I reminded my mom how angry she was that I moved out and she seemed shocked by this little tidbit. This is something we often used to joke about and this night she didn't even remember. She didn't remember that after she was finally "okay" with me moving out and living literally down the street that she would come and take my dirty laundry, bring it to her house, wash it, fold it and then return it back to me. Couldn't ask for better service than that, huh? As I was telling her this, it was as if I was talking about someone else and not her. I don't know at this point if it is sad or frustrating for my mom to not remember but it makes me kinda sad at times. I do try to enjoy times like that but I can't help but "miss" the mom that I once had. We were able to joke with each other and find humor even in our disagreements. Like the time that we were cleaning out the pantry in order to expand the kitchen. I tried to "secretly" throw away old candles. My mom found out and she litterally jumped on me to get the candles out of the garbage. It was completely ridiculous and insane but we laughed about it hysterically afterwards.
She thankfully knows who I am and who her family members are but just last week she asked me what my brother's wife's name was. Maybe because she doesn't see her on a daily basis like my brother and I but it's a little sad. I'm not sure that she even knows about her new great grandson. I wish that my niece would bring him over to see my mom. As much as my mom has always had some quirks and even though she does not remember everything right now, she knows who she is and who her family is. She loves children and would love to meet him. She has always been very good to her grandchildren with her time and her love.
I know that I am short with her at times but I continue to work on it day by day and I think I'm getting better. Some days are better than others. But the visits from family and friends really are valuable, especially now. It is good to keep her mind occupied. I am so thankful for the family members that take the time to come and see her. I do appreciate that my brother comes each day during lunch and that her friend Darlene comes and visits from Glens Falls. There are a multitude of people that come and see her and for that I am grateful. There are also those that she doesn't see often. Some of these people I understand have difficulty for one reason or another and I really do understand but there are also times that I think about how much my mom has done for others over the years and I am sad that she does not have someone here for her. I don't know if I'm wrong or if I'm right but I guess I should just be thankful for those who are there both old and new. :)
P.S. It's late and I'm a little tired so some of the above may or may not make sense but I wanted to at least post something. Sorry if it's a bit disjointed.
Monday, April 15, 2013
Feeling a bit sad today. :(
For some reason today I feel sad. I haven't blogged in a while in either of my blogs so I thought I should do so today. At first, let me mention the tragedy that occurred in Boston today although this is not necessarilly related to my mom it too makes me sad. So many runners have looked forward to this day, some of them qualifying for Boston for the first time and looking forward to the thrill of crossing the finish line, only to be met with fear and tragedy or being redirected away from that ultimate goal. While we do not know the ultimate cause of this "bomb" it would be a strange coincidence that this was an "accident." The natural conclusion is that it was an act of terror. Why is it that some people would rather bring misery and heartache into this world instead of joy and happiness? We have enough things in the world to cause heartache and unhappiness, why do people need to cause it unneccessarily?
In times like these and every day I try to think about the positive things in my life but I know that I often fall short of being the person that I should be. I do continue to work at it each day, especially where my mom is concerned. I think I feel sad because I see her decline and I don't always like my reaction to it. I get so frustrated by things that she does but I know deep down that she must be frustrated as well. When I get irritated by seemingly meaningless things like the dishes not being 100% clean (I can just rewash them myself), or finding an item in the refrigerator without a lid or plastic wrap on it, or having trouble finding a dish or glass I want to use, I think about the people going through a real tragedy like in Boston today and I think about my friends that have lost children that would give anything to have a dirty sock on the floor or a dirty dish in the sink. I know this and I see this but I sometimes get overwhelmed and when I get home, I don't always have patience and I don't act the way that I wish I would.
The truth is that I miss my mom. Yes, she's still my mom but things are so different than they used to be. This memory loss thing is difficult. I want to be able to have the conversations I used to have with her. I want my mom. I don't want to be the mom. I wasn't ready to be the caretaker so soon. I guess it caught me off guard to be taking care of my mom so soon. I think about conversations we used to have when I was younger and how she never wanted to go into a nursing home. It's why I moved in here initially but I never realized the impact it would have on my life. She's my mom and I would do anything for her but I don't feel like I am providing her with the best environment. I feel like she would be happier around other people and I would be able to provide a better emotional environment for her if we were not together every day.
I guess I just need to plug forward on everything I'm working on so that I can be in a better place to take care of her and do the things I want to do. On top of everything, work has been very stressful so that is probably contributing to my mood. Goal for the week: At least one hour of the week dedicated to doing something with my mom and really trying to communicate with her. I know one hour doesn't seem like a lot but I want to start out small so that I can actually achieve my goal and not feel bad. Thanks for reading and hopefully I will have a good report by the end of the week.
In times like these and every day I try to think about the positive things in my life but I know that I often fall short of being the person that I should be. I do continue to work at it each day, especially where my mom is concerned. I think I feel sad because I see her decline and I don't always like my reaction to it. I get so frustrated by things that she does but I know deep down that she must be frustrated as well. When I get irritated by seemingly meaningless things like the dishes not being 100% clean (I can just rewash them myself), or finding an item in the refrigerator without a lid or plastic wrap on it, or having trouble finding a dish or glass I want to use, I think about the people going through a real tragedy like in Boston today and I think about my friends that have lost children that would give anything to have a dirty sock on the floor or a dirty dish in the sink. I know this and I see this but I sometimes get overwhelmed and when I get home, I don't always have patience and I don't act the way that I wish I would.
The truth is that I miss my mom. Yes, she's still my mom but things are so different than they used to be. This memory loss thing is difficult. I want to be able to have the conversations I used to have with her. I want my mom. I don't want to be the mom. I wasn't ready to be the caretaker so soon. I guess it caught me off guard to be taking care of my mom so soon. I think about conversations we used to have when I was younger and how she never wanted to go into a nursing home. It's why I moved in here initially but I never realized the impact it would have on my life. She's my mom and I would do anything for her but I don't feel like I am providing her with the best environment. I feel like she would be happier around other people and I would be able to provide a better emotional environment for her if we were not together every day.
I guess I just need to plug forward on everything I'm working on so that I can be in a better place to take care of her and do the things I want to do. On top of everything, work has been very stressful so that is probably contributing to my mood. Goal for the week: At least one hour of the week dedicated to doing something with my mom and really trying to communicate with her. I know one hour doesn't seem like a lot but I want to start out small so that I can actually achieve my goal and not feel bad. Thanks for reading and hopefully I will have a good report by the end of the week.
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Just another day
Today was a pretty good day overall. Nothing too exciting except that I had a snow day so no work! :) As I began my morning I decided to make bacon and eggs for my mom and I. As I was in the process of preparing breakfast, I noticed the senior van outside. I went outside to see if they were here to pick up my mom because I did not call them. Apparently my mom had but obviously didn't remember. The good thing is that she must have called because she wanted to go. It just makes it a little difficult because I want to make sure that she's ready if they are coming. Anyway, she was luckily awake and she just grabbed her coat and went out the door. Luckily, I also had money to give her. It was my last $20 but I'm glad I had it and she actually gave it back to me when she returned home. :) Apparently she is going tomorrow morning as well. We shall see! I will get her up in the morning and make sure she eats breakfast in case they come!
I am trying to have a more positive outlook and trying to be more patient. We were both busy today so it worked out well. I also went for a run and to dinner with my friend Terri and was discussing people in general. We discussed how childhood really can affect a person negatively or positively for the rest of their lives. Some people make better choices despite a poor childhood and some people make poor choices in their lives because of their difficult childhood. I'm not really sure what makes the difference for these people but I realized how thankful I am for the values that my mom instilled in me. I am going to try to remember this when I lose my patience over petty things. My mom has always been wonderful to me and I need to remember this. Her demetia is an illness but she truly has a kind heart and really wants to help others, even now. I really need to try to help her to find opportunities to express this kindness and to help her to feel appreciated. I need to remember all of the great times that we had and even if I reminice with her for a few moments each day, it will make a difference. I am going to try to express to her how much she means to me. It's easy to get caught up in the little annoyances of the day, but I must remember all of the wonderful things she has done for me and how she has shaped me into the person I am today. Thanks Mom! :)
I am trying to have a more positive outlook and trying to be more patient. We were both busy today so it worked out well. I also went for a run and to dinner with my friend Terri and was discussing people in general. We discussed how childhood really can affect a person negatively or positively for the rest of their lives. Some people make better choices despite a poor childhood and some people make poor choices in their lives because of their difficult childhood. I'm not really sure what makes the difference for these people but I realized how thankful I am for the values that my mom instilled in me. I am going to try to remember this when I lose my patience over petty things. My mom has always been wonderful to me and I need to remember this. Her demetia is an illness but she truly has a kind heart and really wants to help others, even now. I really need to try to help her to find opportunities to express this kindness and to help her to feel appreciated. I need to remember all of the great times that we had and even if I reminice with her for a few moments each day, it will make a difference. I am going to try to express to her how much she means to me. It's easy to get caught up in the little annoyances of the day, but I must remember all of the wonderful things she has done for me and how she has shaped me into the person I am today. Thanks Mom! :)
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