Every summer as a kid, my brother Floyd and I used to go with my mom to various fairs "up North" in Northville, Wells, and Bannertown. These fairs were known as the "Do'ins" by all the locals. As my brother got older and did other things, it was just me and my mom.
My mom sold sterling silver jewelry and some costume jewelry and in addition to helping with that, my brother sold stretch bottles that he made with his "stretch bottle" machine. Kids (and adults) came and filled their bottles with colored sand and made cool designs in the bottle. I sold kids jewelry including rings, necklaces, and earrings that were mostly in the $1-$3 range. This is how we earned money for our school clothes each year. Sometimes her friends Paulette and Vivian would come and help as well.
One year, as we prepared for our trip to Wells, my mom was frantic as usual, trying to get everything in the car. It was always my job to bring the "juice." We had a square green cooler with a white lid that we filled with Kool-Aid so we stayed hydrated during the hot summer months. Since we were there to make money, we didn't want to spend money on any extras such as drinks and snacks. We were able to splurge once in a while but didn't want to "overdo" it. Once we finally packed everything in the car, we headed to our event and began setting up. It was always quite a workout loading and unloading the car. My mom got thirsty and asked for a drink of juice. As I went to the car, I realized that I had forgotten it! Uh oh! My mom was very unhappy with me and yelled at me for being so irresponsible. As you can imagine, I felt really bad and was also mad at her for being mad at me. Ha ha!
We made it through the day and as evening approached, it began to get chilly. I asked my mom where she had put the suitcase so I could grab a sweatshirt.(It was her job to put the suitcase in the car since she was the last to pack her things in the one suitcase we used to conserve space). She had a guilty look on her face as she realized that SHE forgot the suitcase. We had to go to Woolworth's 5 and Dime to buy clothes to get us through the weekend. We had a good laugh and many stories throughout the years about the "forgotten suitcase!" She never gave me a hard time about the juice again!
Friday, May 6, 2016
Saturday, April 12, 2014
Happy Birthday Mom
Last week was my mom's birthday. It was also the first time I took her on an outing from the nursing home. I often feel guilty that I don't do more, that I have her there and not at home. When I was a teenager and as I grew into adulthood, my mom and I would have conversations and my mom always said how she did not want to ever go into a nursing home. I remember this because it was a frequent conversation. It just makes me feel bad. I also remember discussing how Alzheimer's would be the worst possible disease ever and guess what? Bam! Here we are!
I miss my mom. Yes, she is nearby and I can physically go see her but it's not the same. I feel like this disease happened way too fast. Some people like to blame John for the initial decline and this really bothers me. I agree that he was not patient with her and was not very understanding in many ways. I did get upset that he didn't even try but for some reason it really bothers me when people try to place blame. She was upset with me for moving things around even before John began spending time at the house and I really can't stand when other people try to place blame or say things like, "She knew something wasn't right with him." Anyway, I think I got a little sidetracked. The point is that I miss the craziness and the laughter that we used to share. Thankfully, she still knows me and knows that I am her daughter but I can see that changing some day. It all just makes me sad. My mom was my best friend and the one that I used to talk things out with. The other person that I always had was my sister. My sister passed away 6 years ago and my mom is not able to have a "normal" conversation. She forgets things so quickly that I actually have difficulty interacting with her. It all makes me feel very lonely at times. I know that I have a great network of people in my life but everyone has their life to live and I get it. It's just that my mom was the one that was always there for me. Sometimes I feel like I have not done enough for her and I have not been patient enough with her. I will keep working on this.
For her birthday we went to Applebee's for dinner. My friend Kim, her husband John, and her son Ben joined us. My friend Don also came and we celebrated his birthday as well. She had a great time and Don sat next to her and kept her very entertained. I was glad that she was happy, even if she kept forgetting that it was her birthday! Kim brought her balloons and flowers and picked up some flowers for me to give her as well. When I brought her back to the nursing home, I came back with a bunch of stuff. The flowers decorated her room nicely. :) Now, if my mom could only stop packing up her things and stop denying that it was her room, it would be even better. When I dropped her off, she was a little confused and wondered why I was "leaving her there." Even after I showed her her photo at the door, she didn't think that it was her room and I think she expected me to take her "home."
Anyway, it's all very sad but I will keep working on trying to enjoy the time that we have together. I know that there are people who would give anything to have another day with their parent. I just miss my one parent being the way she once was. I love my mom with all my heart and hate to see her going through this. I'm getting tired now so I will say Good Night.
I miss my mom. Yes, she is nearby and I can physically go see her but it's not the same. I feel like this disease happened way too fast. Some people like to blame John for the initial decline and this really bothers me. I agree that he was not patient with her and was not very understanding in many ways. I did get upset that he didn't even try but for some reason it really bothers me when people try to place blame. She was upset with me for moving things around even before John began spending time at the house and I really can't stand when other people try to place blame or say things like, "She knew something wasn't right with him." Anyway, I think I got a little sidetracked. The point is that I miss the craziness and the laughter that we used to share. Thankfully, she still knows me and knows that I am her daughter but I can see that changing some day. It all just makes me sad. My mom was my best friend and the one that I used to talk things out with. The other person that I always had was my sister. My sister passed away 6 years ago and my mom is not able to have a "normal" conversation. She forgets things so quickly that I actually have difficulty interacting with her. It all makes me feel very lonely at times. I know that I have a great network of people in my life but everyone has their life to live and I get it. It's just that my mom was the one that was always there for me. Sometimes I feel like I have not done enough for her and I have not been patient enough with her. I will keep working on this.
For her birthday we went to Applebee's for dinner. My friend Kim, her husband John, and her son Ben joined us. My friend Don also came and we celebrated his birthday as well. She had a great time and Don sat next to her and kept her very entertained. I was glad that she was happy, even if she kept forgetting that it was her birthday! Kim brought her balloons and flowers and picked up some flowers for me to give her as well. When I brought her back to the nursing home, I came back with a bunch of stuff. The flowers decorated her room nicely. :) Now, if my mom could only stop packing up her things and stop denying that it was her room, it would be even better. When I dropped her off, she was a little confused and wondered why I was "leaving her there." Even after I showed her her photo at the door, she didn't think that it was her room and I think she expected me to take her "home."
Anyway, it's all very sad but I will keep working on trying to enjoy the time that we have together. I know that there are people who would give anything to have another day with their parent. I just miss my one parent being the way she once was. I love my mom with all my heart and hate to see her going through this. I'm getting tired now so I will say Good Night.
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
Happy New Year!
Well - Here we are a week into the new year and I've decided once again to try to return to blogging. To say my life has been busy would be a bit of an understatement. It has certainly been cold outside. Today was frigid!
My mom's memory continues to decline and I continue to work on my patience and understanding. I'm not very good at it and I often feel guilty for this. I have been fostering a 10-year old girl since October and this helps me at least to be more consistent with meals and cooking rather than microwave meals every night. I do still do microwave meals on occasion. Sometimes convenience outweighs great nutrition. Sad but true! I'm definitely tired most nights and tonight is no exception. I just figured I would make a quick post to keep myself going. I'm also procrastinating typing up notes for work. I'm going to be sorry in the morning!
We've been looking into various options for care of my mom. Without getting into much detail right now, I'll just mention one program through the Eddy. We are in the process of hearing about their program. So far, it's not sounding like it's going to work out for us. I thought it would be helpful initially and alleviate some stress but they want to label her as a "Do not leave alone" meaning that when she is not at the day program that they would provide, we would have to be responsible to have someone here for her 24/7. She is home alone for periods of time now and watches T.V. and does stuff around the house. While I agree she needs more socialization, I don't agree that 24 hour supervision is necessary quite yet. It would be nice but financially and physically it's just too much. We have had the director of the program and an OT out here so far. Tomorrow we have an appointment with the RN. The team then meets and discusses what they are willing to offer us and we decide if we want to accept or decline the program. As much as I hate to say or do it, I believe a nursing home would be the most viable option. It would provide her with safety and socialization and I actually think it would improve my level of patience with her. I really miss my mom. :(
My mom's memory continues to decline and I continue to work on my patience and understanding. I'm not very good at it and I often feel guilty for this. I have been fostering a 10-year old girl since October and this helps me at least to be more consistent with meals and cooking rather than microwave meals every night. I do still do microwave meals on occasion. Sometimes convenience outweighs great nutrition. Sad but true! I'm definitely tired most nights and tonight is no exception. I just figured I would make a quick post to keep myself going. I'm also procrastinating typing up notes for work. I'm going to be sorry in the morning!
We've been looking into various options for care of my mom. Without getting into much detail right now, I'll just mention one program through the Eddy. We are in the process of hearing about their program. So far, it's not sounding like it's going to work out for us. I thought it would be helpful initially and alleviate some stress but they want to label her as a "Do not leave alone" meaning that when she is not at the day program that they would provide, we would have to be responsible to have someone here for her 24/7. She is home alone for periods of time now and watches T.V. and does stuff around the house. While I agree she needs more socialization, I don't agree that 24 hour supervision is necessary quite yet. It would be nice but financially and physically it's just too much. We have had the director of the program and an OT out here so far. Tomorrow we have an appointment with the RN. The team then meets and discusses what they are willing to offer us and we decide if we want to accept or decline the program. As much as I hate to say or do it, I believe a nursing home would be the most viable option. It would provide her with safety and socialization and I actually think it would improve my level of patience with her. I really miss my mom. :(
Another Day
Previously written but not posted (September 2013)
Well, I just took a quick peek at my past entries for this blog and I realized that I have been using this blog mostly as a tool to vent, which is not entirely what I intended it to be. Sure, it can be a tool for that but I wanted it to be stories about my mom and the wonderful and amazing mom she has been to me.
Unfortunately, living with a parent as an adult is not an ideal situation and it causes a great deal of stress. I try to do things to be more appreciative and to be more patient but it doesn't always work. I wish I was able to let the stupid stuff go. In the scheme of things it doesn't matter that my cabinets are all discombobulated (is that a word?), or that I need to rewash the dishes, or that she rips napkins into squares because she doesn't want to "waste." Yet, it's always ridiculously hot in my house because the heat gets turned on unnecessarily. OK. So enough of that! Let's look on the bright side.
My niece Jamie has started to come to the house 3 days a week for 3 hours a day. She takes my mom on outings and my mom gets to spend time with the kids. This really seems to lift my mom's spirits and I'm sure it makes Jamie feel good too because she makes her grandma happy. My mom is able to remember certain things. Nothing major but she actually remembers that someone was here to visit. She doesn't always remember that my brother was here even though he comes at lunch time most days but she remembers that the kids came. My mom did always love spending time with kids. She has less stamina now than she used to but she still enjoys them.
Before I add some happy memory below, I'll talk a little about some other positives with my mom. I have been having her cut out masks for me for my Maddie's Mark fundraiser.
Well, I just took a quick peek at my past entries for this blog and I realized that I have been using this blog mostly as a tool to vent, which is not entirely what I intended it to be. Sure, it can be a tool for that but I wanted it to be stories about my mom and the wonderful and amazing mom she has been to me.
Unfortunately, living with a parent as an adult is not an ideal situation and it causes a great deal of stress. I try to do things to be more appreciative and to be more patient but it doesn't always work. I wish I was able to let the stupid stuff go. In the scheme of things it doesn't matter that my cabinets are all discombobulated (is that a word?), or that I need to rewash the dishes, or that she rips napkins into squares because she doesn't want to "waste." Yet, it's always ridiculously hot in my house because the heat gets turned on unnecessarily. OK. So enough of that! Let's look on the bright side.
My niece Jamie has started to come to the house 3 days a week for 3 hours a day. She takes my mom on outings and my mom gets to spend time with the kids. This really seems to lift my mom's spirits and I'm sure it makes Jamie feel good too because she makes her grandma happy. My mom is able to remember certain things. Nothing major but she actually remembers that someone was here to visit. She doesn't always remember that my brother was here even though he comes at lunch time most days but she remembers that the kids came. My mom did always love spending time with kids. She has less stamina now than she used to but she still enjoys them.
Before I add some happy memory below, I'll talk a little about some other positives with my mom. I have been having her cut out masks for me for my Maddie's Mark fundraiser.
Saturday, May 18, 2013
Pulling My Hair Out!
I've been feeling a bit guilty because I don't really "do" anything with my mom. Sure, it would be easy for me to just take her along when I go to the store or just out for a quick bite to eat but sometimes I just need to escape! Is it awful that spending a day with my mom is entirely stressful for me? I feel like I have a child and I know that she can't help some of the things but some of the things she does are things that she has done for many years.
I just miss that independent woman that used to be my mom. The one that was appreciative for things and the one who was my friend. Now she just looks at me with contempt and disdain. She tells all of her friends and my family how horrible I am! It doesn't matter that I pay all the bills and set out breakfast for her every day. It may not seem like I really "do" a lot and most of the time I don't feel like I do enough but the fact is that I'm the one who is here and who has always been here. My brother does come during the week and gives her lunch and her medication. I am the one that is here nights and weekends and has to hear her get up several times per night to go to the bathroom and "fix" the TV so that she can watch it and help her "find" things that she has lost. I make it sound worse than it is I guess but the bottom line is that I often do not feel comfortable in my own home. At times when she is bored, she will sit in the chair across the room from me and just stare at me, at the outside, or just at nothing. Just experiment with someone that you live with. Either sit and stare at that person or have them stare at you and see how uncomfortable it really is! Sometimes I think I'm gonna crack!
Today I took my mom for the day. We started out at breakfast, which was fine. After breakfast we went to my nieces mother-in-laws house to drop off some decorations for tomorrow's party. That was all fine. We then went to some garage sales which were still pretty much fine. Next, we went to a fundraiser which was a bbq and she seemed to enjoy the food there. The final stop was Wal-Mart and I think I had just about had enough. She was right up my butt throughout the market and I kept almost bumping into her! I know at times that she was trying to help but she was right on top of me! If she wasn't on top of me, she was trailing a mile behind going in or coming out of the store and back to the car. I had to "prompt" her to let her know she could get out of the car!
I know I sound like a bratty impatient person and I probably am. I wish that I had more patience with her and I keep working on it but sometimes it's too much. I wish that I was the one who was "visiting" because it wouldn't seem like a burden and I could practice more patience. I just need one place where I can actually relax. I know that there are people who would give anything to have their parent there and I should be thankful. I just miss the relationship that I used to have with my mom. I just needed to whine a bit. I'm sure tomorrow will be better! We will be having a birthday party for the kids and there will be lots of people around.
I just miss that independent woman that used to be my mom. The one that was appreciative for things and the one who was my friend. Now she just looks at me with contempt and disdain. She tells all of her friends and my family how horrible I am! It doesn't matter that I pay all the bills and set out breakfast for her every day. It may not seem like I really "do" a lot and most of the time I don't feel like I do enough but the fact is that I'm the one who is here and who has always been here. My brother does come during the week and gives her lunch and her medication. I am the one that is here nights and weekends and has to hear her get up several times per night to go to the bathroom and "fix" the TV so that she can watch it and help her "find" things that she has lost. I make it sound worse than it is I guess but the bottom line is that I often do not feel comfortable in my own home. At times when she is bored, she will sit in the chair across the room from me and just stare at me, at the outside, or just at nothing. Just experiment with someone that you live with. Either sit and stare at that person or have them stare at you and see how uncomfortable it really is! Sometimes I think I'm gonna crack!
Today I took my mom for the day. We started out at breakfast, which was fine. After breakfast we went to my nieces mother-in-laws house to drop off some decorations for tomorrow's party. That was all fine. We then went to some garage sales which were still pretty much fine. Next, we went to a fundraiser which was a bbq and she seemed to enjoy the food there. The final stop was Wal-Mart and I think I had just about had enough. She was right up my butt throughout the market and I kept almost bumping into her! I know at times that she was trying to help but she was right on top of me! If she wasn't on top of me, she was trailing a mile behind going in or coming out of the store and back to the car. I had to "prompt" her to let her know she could get out of the car!
I know I sound like a bratty impatient person and I probably am. I wish that I had more patience with her and I keep working on it but sometimes it's too much. I wish that I was the one who was "visiting" because it wouldn't seem like a burden and I could practice more patience. I just need one place where I can actually relax. I know that there are people who would give anything to have their parent there and I should be thankful. I just miss the relationship that I used to have with my mom. I just needed to whine a bit. I'm sure tomorrow will be better! We will be having a birthday party for the kids and there will be lots of people around.
Friday, April 26, 2013
Day by day
I figured I would write a quick post tonight since I haven't written in a while. I write little snippets in my head at times and "think" about what I am gonna write, but it doesn't always make it here so I figured a little bit is better than nothing. And truthfully, my little bit often ends up being a lot, although I often ramble (as I'm doing now!).
Things have been going fairly well at home lately and I've been trying to have more patience. The biggest annoyance is the T.V. My brother purchased the absolute simplest remote that you can imagine and my mom still messes it up! I know she can't help it but this is where my patience is tested almost on a daily basis. There are other things that I get annoyed with and make occasional comments, which are truthfully not helpful but I sometimes can't help myself. These "unhelpful" and "unproductive" comments just fly out of my mouth at times and then I feel bad about it.
Last week I treated my mom to ice cream at Stewarts. It was a nice evening and I figured a walk would be good and I really think she enjoyed it. I would ask her but sadly she will not remember. Along our short walk, I pointed to the first apartment I lived in when I moved out. I reminded my mom how angry she was that I moved out and she seemed shocked by this little tidbit. This is something we often used to joke about and this night she didn't even remember. She didn't remember that after she was finally "okay" with me moving out and living literally down the street that she would come and take my dirty laundry, bring it to her house, wash it, fold it and then return it back to me. Couldn't ask for better service than that, huh? As I was telling her this, it was as if I was talking about someone else and not her. I don't know at this point if it is sad or frustrating for my mom to not remember but it makes me kinda sad at times. I do try to enjoy times like that but I can't help but "miss" the mom that I once had. We were able to joke with each other and find humor even in our disagreements. Like the time that we were cleaning out the pantry in order to expand the kitchen. I tried to "secretly" throw away old candles. My mom found out and she litterally jumped on me to get the candles out of the garbage. It was completely ridiculous and insane but we laughed about it hysterically afterwards.
She thankfully knows who I am and who her family members are but just last week she asked me what my brother's wife's name was. Maybe because she doesn't see her on a daily basis like my brother and I but it's a little sad. I'm not sure that she even knows about her new great grandson. I wish that my niece would bring him over to see my mom. As much as my mom has always had some quirks and even though she does not remember everything right now, she knows who she is and who her family is. She loves children and would love to meet him. She has always been very good to her grandchildren with her time and her love.
I know that I am short with her at times but I continue to work on it day by day and I think I'm getting better. Some days are better than others. But the visits from family and friends really are valuable, especially now. It is good to keep her mind occupied. I am so thankful for the family members that take the time to come and see her. I do appreciate that my brother comes each day during lunch and that her friend Darlene comes and visits from Glens Falls. There are a multitude of people that come and see her and for that I am grateful. There are also those that she doesn't see often. Some of these people I understand have difficulty for one reason or another and I really do understand but there are also times that I think about how much my mom has done for others over the years and I am sad that she does not have someone here for her. I don't know if I'm wrong or if I'm right but I guess I should just be thankful for those who are there both old and new. :)
P.S. It's late and I'm a little tired so some of the above may or may not make sense but I wanted to at least post something. Sorry if it's a bit disjointed.
Things have been going fairly well at home lately and I've been trying to have more patience. The biggest annoyance is the T.V. My brother purchased the absolute simplest remote that you can imagine and my mom still messes it up! I know she can't help it but this is where my patience is tested almost on a daily basis. There are other things that I get annoyed with and make occasional comments, which are truthfully not helpful but I sometimes can't help myself. These "unhelpful" and "unproductive" comments just fly out of my mouth at times and then I feel bad about it.
Last week I treated my mom to ice cream at Stewarts. It was a nice evening and I figured a walk would be good and I really think she enjoyed it. I would ask her but sadly she will not remember. Along our short walk, I pointed to the first apartment I lived in when I moved out. I reminded my mom how angry she was that I moved out and she seemed shocked by this little tidbit. This is something we often used to joke about and this night she didn't even remember. She didn't remember that after she was finally "okay" with me moving out and living literally down the street that she would come and take my dirty laundry, bring it to her house, wash it, fold it and then return it back to me. Couldn't ask for better service than that, huh? As I was telling her this, it was as if I was talking about someone else and not her. I don't know at this point if it is sad or frustrating for my mom to not remember but it makes me kinda sad at times. I do try to enjoy times like that but I can't help but "miss" the mom that I once had. We were able to joke with each other and find humor even in our disagreements. Like the time that we were cleaning out the pantry in order to expand the kitchen. I tried to "secretly" throw away old candles. My mom found out and she litterally jumped on me to get the candles out of the garbage. It was completely ridiculous and insane but we laughed about it hysterically afterwards.
She thankfully knows who I am and who her family members are but just last week she asked me what my brother's wife's name was. Maybe because she doesn't see her on a daily basis like my brother and I but it's a little sad. I'm not sure that she even knows about her new great grandson. I wish that my niece would bring him over to see my mom. As much as my mom has always had some quirks and even though she does not remember everything right now, she knows who she is and who her family is. She loves children and would love to meet him. She has always been very good to her grandchildren with her time and her love.
I know that I am short with her at times but I continue to work on it day by day and I think I'm getting better. Some days are better than others. But the visits from family and friends really are valuable, especially now. It is good to keep her mind occupied. I am so thankful for the family members that take the time to come and see her. I do appreciate that my brother comes each day during lunch and that her friend Darlene comes and visits from Glens Falls. There are a multitude of people that come and see her and for that I am grateful. There are also those that she doesn't see often. Some of these people I understand have difficulty for one reason or another and I really do understand but there are also times that I think about how much my mom has done for others over the years and I am sad that she does not have someone here for her. I don't know if I'm wrong or if I'm right but I guess I should just be thankful for those who are there both old and new. :)
P.S. It's late and I'm a little tired so some of the above may or may not make sense but I wanted to at least post something. Sorry if it's a bit disjointed.
Monday, April 15, 2013
Feeling a bit sad today. :(
For some reason today I feel sad. I haven't blogged in a while in either of my blogs so I thought I should do so today. At first, let me mention the tragedy that occurred in Boston today although this is not necessarilly related to my mom it too makes me sad. So many runners have looked forward to this day, some of them qualifying for Boston for the first time and looking forward to the thrill of crossing the finish line, only to be met with fear and tragedy or being redirected away from that ultimate goal. While we do not know the ultimate cause of this "bomb" it would be a strange coincidence that this was an "accident." The natural conclusion is that it was an act of terror. Why is it that some people would rather bring misery and heartache into this world instead of joy and happiness? We have enough things in the world to cause heartache and unhappiness, why do people need to cause it unneccessarily?
In times like these and every day I try to think about the positive things in my life but I know that I often fall short of being the person that I should be. I do continue to work at it each day, especially where my mom is concerned. I think I feel sad because I see her decline and I don't always like my reaction to it. I get so frustrated by things that she does but I know deep down that she must be frustrated as well. When I get irritated by seemingly meaningless things like the dishes not being 100% clean (I can just rewash them myself), or finding an item in the refrigerator without a lid or plastic wrap on it, or having trouble finding a dish or glass I want to use, I think about the people going through a real tragedy like in Boston today and I think about my friends that have lost children that would give anything to have a dirty sock on the floor or a dirty dish in the sink. I know this and I see this but I sometimes get overwhelmed and when I get home, I don't always have patience and I don't act the way that I wish I would.
The truth is that I miss my mom. Yes, she's still my mom but things are so different than they used to be. This memory loss thing is difficult. I want to be able to have the conversations I used to have with her. I want my mom. I don't want to be the mom. I wasn't ready to be the caretaker so soon. I guess it caught me off guard to be taking care of my mom so soon. I think about conversations we used to have when I was younger and how she never wanted to go into a nursing home. It's why I moved in here initially but I never realized the impact it would have on my life. She's my mom and I would do anything for her but I don't feel like I am providing her with the best environment. I feel like she would be happier around other people and I would be able to provide a better emotional environment for her if we were not together every day.
I guess I just need to plug forward on everything I'm working on so that I can be in a better place to take care of her and do the things I want to do. On top of everything, work has been very stressful so that is probably contributing to my mood. Goal for the week: At least one hour of the week dedicated to doing something with my mom and really trying to communicate with her. I know one hour doesn't seem like a lot but I want to start out small so that I can actually achieve my goal and not feel bad. Thanks for reading and hopefully I will have a good report by the end of the week.
In times like these and every day I try to think about the positive things in my life but I know that I often fall short of being the person that I should be. I do continue to work at it each day, especially where my mom is concerned. I think I feel sad because I see her decline and I don't always like my reaction to it. I get so frustrated by things that she does but I know deep down that she must be frustrated as well. When I get irritated by seemingly meaningless things like the dishes not being 100% clean (I can just rewash them myself), or finding an item in the refrigerator without a lid or plastic wrap on it, or having trouble finding a dish or glass I want to use, I think about the people going through a real tragedy like in Boston today and I think about my friends that have lost children that would give anything to have a dirty sock on the floor or a dirty dish in the sink. I know this and I see this but I sometimes get overwhelmed and when I get home, I don't always have patience and I don't act the way that I wish I would.
The truth is that I miss my mom. Yes, she's still my mom but things are so different than they used to be. This memory loss thing is difficult. I want to be able to have the conversations I used to have with her. I want my mom. I don't want to be the mom. I wasn't ready to be the caretaker so soon. I guess it caught me off guard to be taking care of my mom so soon. I think about conversations we used to have when I was younger and how she never wanted to go into a nursing home. It's why I moved in here initially but I never realized the impact it would have on my life. She's my mom and I would do anything for her but I don't feel like I am providing her with the best environment. I feel like she would be happier around other people and I would be able to provide a better emotional environment for her if we were not together every day.
I guess I just need to plug forward on everything I'm working on so that I can be in a better place to take care of her and do the things I want to do. On top of everything, work has been very stressful so that is probably contributing to my mood. Goal for the week: At least one hour of the week dedicated to doing something with my mom and really trying to communicate with her. I know one hour doesn't seem like a lot but I want to start out small so that I can actually achieve my goal and not feel bad. Thanks for reading and hopefully I will have a good report by the end of the week.
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