Previously written but not posted (September 2013)
Well, I just took a quick peek at my past entries for this blog and I realized that I have been using this blog mostly as a tool to vent, which is not entirely what I intended it to be. Sure, it can be a tool for that but I wanted it to be stories about my mom and the wonderful and amazing mom she has been to me.
Unfortunately, living with a parent as an adult is not an ideal situation and it causes a great deal of stress. I try to do things to be more appreciative and to be more patient but it doesn't always work. I wish I was able to let the stupid stuff go. In the scheme of things it doesn't matter that my cabinets are all discombobulated (is that a word?), or that I need to rewash the dishes, or that she rips napkins into squares because she doesn't want to "waste." Yet, it's always ridiculously hot in my house because the heat gets turned on unnecessarily. OK. So enough of that! Let's look on the bright side.
My niece Jamie has started to come to the house 3 days a week for 3 hours a day. She takes my mom on outings and my mom gets to spend time with the kids. This really seems to lift my mom's spirits and I'm sure it makes Jamie feel good too because she makes her grandma happy. My mom is able to remember certain things. Nothing major but she actually remembers that someone was here to visit. She doesn't always remember that my brother was here even though he comes at lunch time most days but she remembers that the kids came. My mom did always love spending time with kids. She has less stamina now than she used to but she still enjoys them.
Before I add some happy memory below, I'll talk a little about some other positives with my mom. I have been having her cut out masks for me for my Maddie's Mark fundraiser.
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
Saturday, May 18, 2013
Pulling My Hair Out!
I've been feeling a bit guilty because I don't really "do" anything with my mom. Sure, it would be easy for me to just take her along when I go to the store or just out for a quick bite to eat but sometimes I just need to escape! Is it awful that spending a day with my mom is entirely stressful for me? I feel like I have a child and I know that she can't help some of the things but some of the things she does are things that she has done for many years.
I just miss that independent woman that used to be my mom. The one that was appreciative for things and the one who was my friend. Now she just looks at me with contempt and disdain. She tells all of her friends and my family how horrible I am! It doesn't matter that I pay all the bills and set out breakfast for her every day. It may not seem like I really "do" a lot and most of the time I don't feel like I do enough but the fact is that I'm the one who is here and who has always been here. My brother does come during the week and gives her lunch and her medication. I am the one that is here nights and weekends and has to hear her get up several times per night to go to the bathroom and "fix" the TV so that she can watch it and help her "find" things that she has lost. I make it sound worse than it is I guess but the bottom line is that I often do not feel comfortable in my own home. At times when she is bored, she will sit in the chair across the room from me and just stare at me, at the outside, or just at nothing. Just experiment with someone that you live with. Either sit and stare at that person or have them stare at you and see how uncomfortable it really is! Sometimes I think I'm gonna crack!
Today I took my mom for the day. We started out at breakfast, which was fine. After breakfast we went to my nieces mother-in-laws house to drop off some decorations for tomorrow's party. That was all fine. We then went to some garage sales which were still pretty much fine. Next, we went to a fundraiser which was a bbq and she seemed to enjoy the food there. The final stop was Wal-Mart and I think I had just about had enough. She was right up my butt throughout the market and I kept almost bumping into her! I know at times that she was trying to help but she was right on top of me! If she wasn't on top of me, she was trailing a mile behind going in or coming out of the store and back to the car. I had to "prompt" her to let her know she could get out of the car!
I know I sound like a bratty impatient person and I probably am. I wish that I had more patience with her and I keep working on it but sometimes it's too much. I wish that I was the one who was "visiting" because it wouldn't seem like a burden and I could practice more patience. I just need one place where I can actually relax. I know that there are people who would give anything to have their parent there and I should be thankful. I just miss the relationship that I used to have with my mom. I just needed to whine a bit. I'm sure tomorrow will be better! We will be having a birthday party for the kids and there will be lots of people around.
I just miss that independent woman that used to be my mom. The one that was appreciative for things and the one who was my friend. Now she just looks at me with contempt and disdain. She tells all of her friends and my family how horrible I am! It doesn't matter that I pay all the bills and set out breakfast for her every day. It may not seem like I really "do" a lot and most of the time I don't feel like I do enough but the fact is that I'm the one who is here and who has always been here. My brother does come during the week and gives her lunch and her medication. I am the one that is here nights and weekends and has to hear her get up several times per night to go to the bathroom and "fix" the TV so that she can watch it and help her "find" things that she has lost. I make it sound worse than it is I guess but the bottom line is that I often do not feel comfortable in my own home. At times when she is bored, she will sit in the chair across the room from me and just stare at me, at the outside, or just at nothing. Just experiment with someone that you live with. Either sit and stare at that person or have them stare at you and see how uncomfortable it really is! Sometimes I think I'm gonna crack!
Today I took my mom for the day. We started out at breakfast, which was fine. After breakfast we went to my nieces mother-in-laws house to drop off some decorations for tomorrow's party. That was all fine. We then went to some garage sales which were still pretty much fine. Next, we went to a fundraiser which was a bbq and she seemed to enjoy the food there. The final stop was Wal-Mart and I think I had just about had enough. She was right up my butt throughout the market and I kept almost bumping into her! I know at times that she was trying to help but she was right on top of me! If she wasn't on top of me, she was trailing a mile behind going in or coming out of the store and back to the car. I had to "prompt" her to let her know she could get out of the car!
I know I sound like a bratty impatient person and I probably am. I wish that I had more patience with her and I keep working on it but sometimes it's too much. I wish that I was the one who was "visiting" because it wouldn't seem like a burden and I could practice more patience. I just need one place where I can actually relax. I know that there are people who would give anything to have their parent there and I should be thankful. I just miss the relationship that I used to have with my mom. I just needed to whine a bit. I'm sure tomorrow will be better! We will be having a birthday party for the kids and there will be lots of people around.
Friday, April 26, 2013
Day by day
I figured I would write a quick post tonight since I haven't written in a while. I write little snippets in my head at times and "think" about what I am gonna write, but it doesn't always make it here so I figured a little bit is better than nothing. And truthfully, my little bit often ends up being a lot, although I often ramble (as I'm doing now!).
Things have been going fairly well at home lately and I've been trying to have more patience. The biggest annoyance is the T.V. My brother purchased the absolute simplest remote that you can imagine and my mom still messes it up! I know she can't help it but this is where my patience is tested almost on a daily basis. There are other things that I get annoyed with and make occasional comments, which are truthfully not helpful but I sometimes can't help myself. These "unhelpful" and "unproductive" comments just fly out of my mouth at times and then I feel bad about it.
Last week I treated my mom to ice cream at Stewarts. It was a nice evening and I figured a walk would be good and I really think she enjoyed it. I would ask her but sadly she will not remember. Along our short walk, I pointed to the first apartment I lived in when I moved out. I reminded my mom how angry she was that I moved out and she seemed shocked by this little tidbit. This is something we often used to joke about and this night she didn't even remember. She didn't remember that after she was finally "okay" with me moving out and living literally down the street that she would come and take my dirty laundry, bring it to her house, wash it, fold it and then return it back to me. Couldn't ask for better service than that, huh? As I was telling her this, it was as if I was talking about someone else and not her. I don't know at this point if it is sad or frustrating for my mom to not remember but it makes me kinda sad at times. I do try to enjoy times like that but I can't help but "miss" the mom that I once had. We were able to joke with each other and find humor even in our disagreements. Like the time that we were cleaning out the pantry in order to expand the kitchen. I tried to "secretly" throw away old candles. My mom found out and she litterally jumped on me to get the candles out of the garbage. It was completely ridiculous and insane but we laughed about it hysterically afterwards.
She thankfully knows who I am and who her family members are but just last week she asked me what my brother's wife's name was. Maybe because she doesn't see her on a daily basis like my brother and I but it's a little sad. I'm not sure that she even knows about her new great grandson. I wish that my niece would bring him over to see my mom. As much as my mom has always had some quirks and even though she does not remember everything right now, she knows who she is and who her family is. She loves children and would love to meet him. She has always been very good to her grandchildren with her time and her love.
I know that I am short with her at times but I continue to work on it day by day and I think I'm getting better. Some days are better than others. But the visits from family and friends really are valuable, especially now. It is good to keep her mind occupied. I am so thankful for the family members that take the time to come and see her. I do appreciate that my brother comes each day during lunch and that her friend Darlene comes and visits from Glens Falls. There are a multitude of people that come and see her and for that I am grateful. There are also those that she doesn't see often. Some of these people I understand have difficulty for one reason or another and I really do understand but there are also times that I think about how much my mom has done for others over the years and I am sad that she does not have someone here for her. I don't know if I'm wrong or if I'm right but I guess I should just be thankful for those who are there both old and new. :)
P.S. It's late and I'm a little tired so some of the above may or may not make sense but I wanted to at least post something. Sorry if it's a bit disjointed.
Things have been going fairly well at home lately and I've been trying to have more patience. The biggest annoyance is the T.V. My brother purchased the absolute simplest remote that you can imagine and my mom still messes it up! I know she can't help it but this is where my patience is tested almost on a daily basis. There are other things that I get annoyed with and make occasional comments, which are truthfully not helpful but I sometimes can't help myself. These "unhelpful" and "unproductive" comments just fly out of my mouth at times and then I feel bad about it.
Last week I treated my mom to ice cream at Stewarts. It was a nice evening and I figured a walk would be good and I really think she enjoyed it. I would ask her but sadly she will not remember. Along our short walk, I pointed to the first apartment I lived in when I moved out. I reminded my mom how angry she was that I moved out and she seemed shocked by this little tidbit. This is something we often used to joke about and this night she didn't even remember. She didn't remember that after she was finally "okay" with me moving out and living literally down the street that she would come and take my dirty laundry, bring it to her house, wash it, fold it and then return it back to me. Couldn't ask for better service than that, huh? As I was telling her this, it was as if I was talking about someone else and not her. I don't know at this point if it is sad or frustrating for my mom to not remember but it makes me kinda sad at times. I do try to enjoy times like that but I can't help but "miss" the mom that I once had. We were able to joke with each other and find humor even in our disagreements. Like the time that we were cleaning out the pantry in order to expand the kitchen. I tried to "secretly" throw away old candles. My mom found out and she litterally jumped on me to get the candles out of the garbage. It was completely ridiculous and insane but we laughed about it hysterically afterwards.
She thankfully knows who I am and who her family members are but just last week she asked me what my brother's wife's name was. Maybe because she doesn't see her on a daily basis like my brother and I but it's a little sad. I'm not sure that she even knows about her new great grandson. I wish that my niece would bring him over to see my mom. As much as my mom has always had some quirks and even though she does not remember everything right now, she knows who she is and who her family is. She loves children and would love to meet him. She has always been very good to her grandchildren with her time and her love.
I know that I am short with her at times but I continue to work on it day by day and I think I'm getting better. Some days are better than others. But the visits from family and friends really are valuable, especially now. It is good to keep her mind occupied. I am so thankful for the family members that take the time to come and see her. I do appreciate that my brother comes each day during lunch and that her friend Darlene comes and visits from Glens Falls. There are a multitude of people that come and see her and for that I am grateful. There are also those that she doesn't see often. Some of these people I understand have difficulty for one reason or another and I really do understand but there are also times that I think about how much my mom has done for others over the years and I am sad that she does not have someone here for her. I don't know if I'm wrong or if I'm right but I guess I should just be thankful for those who are there both old and new. :)
P.S. It's late and I'm a little tired so some of the above may or may not make sense but I wanted to at least post something. Sorry if it's a bit disjointed.
Monday, April 15, 2013
Feeling a bit sad today. :(
For some reason today I feel sad. I haven't blogged in a while in either of my blogs so I thought I should do so today. At first, let me mention the tragedy that occurred in Boston today although this is not necessarilly related to my mom it too makes me sad. So many runners have looked forward to this day, some of them qualifying for Boston for the first time and looking forward to the thrill of crossing the finish line, only to be met with fear and tragedy or being redirected away from that ultimate goal. While we do not know the ultimate cause of this "bomb" it would be a strange coincidence that this was an "accident." The natural conclusion is that it was an act of terror. Why is it that some people would rather bring misery and heartache into this world instead of joy and happiness? We have enough things in the world to cause heartache and unhappiness, why do people need to cause it unneccessarily?
In times like these and every day I try to think about the positive things in my life but I know that I often fall short of being the person that I should be. I do continue to work at it each day, especially where my mom is concerned. I think I feel sad because I see her decline and I don't always like my reaction to it. I get so frustrated by things that she does but I know deep down that she must be frustrated as well. When I get irritated by seemingly meaningless things like the dishes not being 100% clean (I can just rewash them myself), or finding an item in the refrigerator without a lid or plastic wrap on it, or having trouble finding a dish or glass I want to use, I think about the people going through a real tragedy like in Boston today and I think about my friends that have lost children that would give anything to have a dirty sock on the floor or a dirty dish in the sink. I know this and I see this but I sometimes get overwhelmed and when I get home, I don't always have patience and I don't act the way that I wish I would.
The truth is that I miss my mom. Yes, she's still my mom but things are so different than they used to be. This memory loss thing is difficult. I want to be able to have the conversations I used to have with her. I want my mom. I don't want to be the mom. I wasn't ready to be the caretaker so soon. I guess it caught me off guard to be taking care of my mom so soon. I think about conversations we used to have when I was younger and how she never wanted to go into a nursing home. It's why I moved in here initially but I never realized the impact it would have on my life. She's my mom and I would do anything for her but I don't feel like I am providing her with the best environment. I feel like she would be happier around other people and I would be able to provide a better emotional environment for her if we were not together every day.
I guess I just need to plug forward on everything I'm working on so that I can be in a better place to take care of her and do the things I want to do. On top of everything, work has been very stressful so that is probably contributing to my mood. Goal for the week: At least one hour of the week dedicated to doing something with my mom and really trying to communicate with her. I know one hour doesn't seem like a lot but I want to start out small so that I can actually achieve my goal and not feel bad. Thanks for reading and hopefully I will have a good report by the end of the week.
In times like these and every day I try to think about the positive things in my life but I know that I often fall short of being the person that I should be. I do continue to work at it each day, especially where my mom is concerned. I think I feel sad because I see her decline and I don't always like my reaction to it. I get so frustrated by things that she does but I know deep down that she must be frustrated as well. When I get irritated by seemingly meaningless things like the dishes not being 100% clean (I can just rewash them myself), or finding an item in the refrigerator without a lid or plastic wrap on it, or having trouble finding a dish or glass I want to use, I think about the people going through a real tragedy like in Boston today and I think about my friends that have lost children that would give anything to have a dirty sock on the floor or a dirty dish in the sink. I know this and I see this but I sometimes get overwhelmed and when I get home, I don't always have patience and I don't act the way that I wish I would.
The truth is that I miss my mom. Yes, she's still my mom but things are so different than they used to be. This memory loss thing is difficult. I want to be able to have the conversations I used to have with her. I want my mom. I don't want to be the mom. I wasn't ready to be the caretaker so soon. I guess it caught me off guard to be taking care of my mom so soon. I think about conversations we used to have when I was younger and how she never wanted to go into a nursing home. It's why I moved in here initially but I never realized the impact it would have on my life. She's my mom and I would do anything for her but I don't feel like I am providing her with the best environment. I feel like she would be happier around other people and I would be able to provide a better emotional environment for her if we were not together every day.
I guess I just need to plug forward on everything I'm working on so that I can be in a better place to take care of her and do the things I want to do. On top of everything, work has been very stressful so that is probably contributing to my mood. Goal for the week: At least one hour of the week dedicated to doing something with my mom and really trying to communicate with her. I know one hour doesn't seem like a lot but I want to start out small so that I can actually achieve my goal and not feel bad. Thanks for reading and hopefully I will have a good report by the end of the week.
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Just another day
Today was a pretty good day overall. Nothing too exciting except that I had a snow day so no work! :) As I began my morning I decided to make bacon and eggs for my mom and I. As I was in the process of preparing breakfast, I noticed the senior van outside. I went outside to see if they were here to pick up my mom because I did not call them. Apparently my mom had but obviously didn't remember. The good thing is that she must have called because she wanted to go. It just makes it a little difficult because I want to make sure that she's ready if they are coming. Anyway, she was luckily awake and she just grabbed her coat and went out the door. Luckily, I also had money to give her. It was my last $20 but I'm glad I had it and she actually gave it back to me when she returned home. :) Apparently she is going tomorrow morning as well. We shall see! I will get her up in the morning and make sure she eats breakfast in case they come!
I am trying to have a more positive outlook and trying to be more patient. We were both busy today so it worked out well. I also went for a run and to dinner with my friend Terri and was discussing people in general. We discussed how childhood really can affect a person negatively or positively for the rest of their lives. Some people make better choices despite a poor childhood and some people make poor choices in their lives because of their difficult childhood. I'm not really sure what makes the difference for these people but I realized how thankful I am for the values that my mom instilled in me. I am going to try to remember this when I lose my patience over petty things. My mom has always been wonderful to me and I need to remember this. Her demetia is an illness but she truly has a kind heart and really wants to help others, even now. I really need to try to help her to find opportunities to express this kindness and to help her to feel appreciated. I need to remember all of the great times that we had and even if I reminice with her for a few moments each day, it will make a difference. I am going to try to express to her how much she means to me. It's easy to get caught up in the little annoyances of the day, but I must remember all of the wonderful things she has done for me and how she has shaped me into the person I am today. Thanks Mom! :)
I am trying to have a more positive outlook and trying to be more patient. We were both busy today so it worked out well. I also went for a run and to dinner with my friend Terri and was discussing people in general. We discussed how childhood really can affect a person negatively or positively for the rest of their lives. Some people make better choices despite a poor childhood and some people make poor choices in their lives because of their difficult childhood. I'm not really sure what makes the difference for these people but I realized how thankful I am for the values that my mom instilled in me. I am going to try to remember this when I lose my patience over petty things. My mom has always been wonderful to me and I need to remember this. Her demetia is an illness but she truly has a kind heart and really wants to help others, even now. I really need to try to help her to find opportunities to express this kindness and to help her to feel appreciated. I need to remember all of the great times that we had and even if I reminice with her for a few moments each day, it will make a difference. I am going to try to express to her how much she means to me. It's easy to get caught up in the little annoyances of the day, but I must remember all of the wonderful things she has done for me and how she has shaped me into the person I am today. Thanks Mom! :)
Thursday, December 27, 2012
Just Mom and Me
ORIGINALLY WRITTEN ON NOVEMBER 23RD
ACCIDENTALLY FORGOT TO PUBLISH WHEN WRITTEN
Yesterday was Thanksgiving and I had been pondering for about a week whether to take my mom out for dinner or to cook something at home. I had been leaning towards going out but wasn't really sure which places were open. In the back of my mind, I had hoped for a last minute invite, which I wasn't really counting on but one can always hope, right?
Technically I had some invites, but none were actually a "good" idea. My ex-boyfriend, who my mom always had a difficult time with, invited me (and my mom) to his mother's house. I also have not seen him in months after he cheated on me with at least three other women. My friends brother who I dated for a short 3 or 4 weeks lives with his cousin and she invited me and my mom several weeks ago and since he is no longer in the picture, that offer was basically off the table.
Anyway, Thanksgiving Eve at about 7:00 PM I finally went to the grocery store and got all the ingredients for a traditional Thanksgiving feast. It was nothing fancy but just the basics. I got a little 6 pound turkey, since it was just me and my mom, stuffing (for my mom), potatoes, gravy, broccoli, apples for apple pie, a can of cranberry sauce, some biscuits, some beverages and just some other basic groceries. The day was pretty relaxed for the most part and it was a day filled with Lifetime movies and lazily preparing the meal on my own throughout the day.
ACCIDENTALLY FORGOT TO PUBLISH WHEN WRITTEN
Yesterday was Thanksgiving and I had been pondering for about a week whether to take my mom out for dinner or to cook something at home. I had been leaning towards going out but wasn't really sure which places were open. In the back of my mind, I had hoped for a last minute invite, which I wasn't really counting on but one can always hope, right?
Technically I had some invites, but none were actually a "good" idea. My ex-boyfriend, who my mom always had a difficult time with, invited me (and my mom) to his mother's house. I also have not seen him in months after he cheated on me with at least three other women. My friends brother who I dated for a short 3 or 4 weeks lives with his cousin and she invited me and my mom several weeks ago and since he is no longer in the picture, that offer was basically off the table.
Anyway, Thanksgiving Eve at about 7:00 PM I finally went to the grocery store and got all the ingredients for a traditional Thanksgiving feast. It was nothing fancy but just the basics. I got a little 6 pound turkey, since it was just me and my mom, stuffing (for my mom), potatoes, gravy, broccoli, apples for apple pie, a can of cranberry sauce, some biscuits, some beverages and just some other basic groceries. The day was pretty relaxed for the most part and it was a day filled with Lifetime movies and lazily preparing the meal on my own throughout the day.
Calgon, Take me away!
So, today is the day after the day after Christmas. My mom was away for two weeks staying with my brother. She came back on Christmas Eve and we had a busy but fun holiday for the most part. I was able to begin accomplishing things while my mom was away and now that she is here I am in stressed out mode again!
I try to logically convince myself that I should just let the little things go, but these little things drive me absolutely insane. For instance, I know she is trying to "help" but she ends up just making more work for me when she washes the dishes. She NEVER uses soap. It drives me crazy! She also NEVER flushes the toilet, which totally grosses me out. It's frustrating and embarrassing to have to wash my dishes before I offer someone a drink or a utensil for eating. It also takes up so much more time. In addition to that, she puts things in places that I never know where they are. I just want to be able to do something in my kitchen without having to search for every supply I need. It was nice to have space to myself in order to just relax and not worry about things being moved or without having "help." You know, the kind of help that isn't really helpful. This is just me venting right now. I wish I had a solution to not let myself be bothered by it, but some days it really gets to me. And on days like today when it's snowing outside and it's not so easy to just pop into my car and take a little ride, it's more frustrating. I wish I could just ignore everything and feel comfortable to do the things I need to do, but it's difficult. If I have to store things outside of my room while I'm cleaning, I'm worried that she's going to move something and disrupt my progress. It's an ongoing cycle and I know that I just need to get past this in order to move forward.
I know other people have things much worse and would rather have their parent, child, or family member with them. It's just that I feel like I've lost a part of my mom already. She's not the same mom in a lot of ways, but I still need to have more patience. I just feel like I've made one step forward and two steps back at times. While my mom was gone, I got rid of the carpet in her room that was nasty and stinky. I worked on "de-stinking" her room and it had gotten better. She's been back two days and it already stinks again. I don't have a working washer and dryer in the house so I can't wash clothes easily and regularly for her or I would. I did get her to take a shower today so that is a bonus but I need to figure out a clothes washing schedule. Ugh!
I will work on this problem and try to come up with some strategies to de-stress. I just am trying to get myself organized and everything she does is so disorganized! Some of this is the dementia, but some of this is what I have grown up with my entire life! Help Me Lord!
I try to logically convince myself that I should just let the little things go, but these little things drive me absolutely insane. For instance, I know she is trying to "help" but she ends up just making more work for me when she washes the dishes. She NEVER uses soap. It drives me crazy! She also NEVER flushes the toilet, which totally grosses me out. It's frustrating and embarrassing to have to wash my dishes before I offer someone a drink or a utensil for eating. It also takes up so much more time. In addition to that, she puts things in places that I never know where they are. I just want to be able to do something in my kitchen without having to search for every supply I need. It was nice to have space to myself in order to just relax and not worry about things being moved or without having "help." You know, the kind of help that isn't really helpful. This is just me venting right now. I wish I had a solution to not let myself be bothered by it, but some days it really gets to me. And on days like today when it's snowing outside and it's not so easy to just pop into my car and take a little ride, it's more frustrating. I wish I could just ignore everything and feel comfortable to do the things I need to do, but it's difficult. If I have to store things outside of my room while I'm cleaning, I'm worried that she's going to move something and disrupt my progress. It's an ongoing cycle and I know that I just need to get past this in order to move forward.
I know other people have things much worse and would rather have their parent, child, or family member with them. It's just that I feel like I've lost a part of my mom already. She's not the same mom in a lot of ways, but I still need to have more patience. I just feel like I've made one step forward and two steps back at times. While my mom was gone, I got rid of the carpet in her room that was nasty and stinky. I worked on "de-stinking" her room and it had gotten better. She's been back two days and it already stinks again. I don't have a working washer and dryer in the house so I can't wash clothes easily and regularly for her or I would. I did get her to take a shower today so that is a bonus but I need to figure out a clothes washing schedule. Ugh!
I will work on this problem and try to come up with some strategies to de-stress. I just am trying to get myself organized and everything she does is so disorganized! Some of this is the dementia, but some of this is what I have grown up with my entire life! Help Me Lord!
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